Fear masquerading as perfectionism

It can be freeing to admit that we don’t know what we don’t know.  And a joy to be able to say wow, I would have never considered this or that, or her…but this could be awesome. Blessed are those that can appreciate the perfectly, imperfect majesty unfolding right before their eyes.  I mean really explore, consider and maybe even embrace it. 

It is easy to hide behind self-imposed restrictions and requirements. On the surface they can make us appear self aware, judicious and determined.  But they shouldn’t be the only measure of goodness or we will miss out on the gifts of imperfection that are around us each and everyday.  What do I mean exactly? Ponder the following:

·      Do you have lengthy, non-negotiable list of characteristics for your future partner or friends?

·      Must you be able to do – in your sleep – the requirements for any new job or opportunity before you will even consider it?

·      Are you particularly critical of others attempts at something new, different or influential?

·      Does it totally freak you out to move outside of your comfort zone?

I offer no judgment or critique of your answers. Just for you to consider the following if you answered yes to any of the above questions:

·      How many people have you met that were made to your exact specifications?

·      Where is the excitement and thrill in doing the same thing over, and over, and over again or being type cast into a convenient box?

·      If you could do better why not raise your hand or better yet, lend a hand or advice to someone that is trying?

·      How fulfilling is it to remain in a constant state of comfort?

I have done more than ponder these questions. I have experienced each one of them at one point or another.  And I so appreciate the people in my life that stretch me, encourage me, provide wise counsel, especially the people that see or think of me in ways that I do not fully see or think of myself yet.  The one thing I know is that I have been groomed and I too groom.  I see potential in someone or something and I think about what I bring to the situation.  Can I add value, make it better? Am I needed here, can I learn something new without debasing the opportunity or myself? Fear is always a factor, but experience has taught me the difference between butterflies and imminent danger.

Is fear masquerading as perfectionism in your life? Are self-imposed restrictions serving you well and bringing you joy and satisfaction?  Or are they limiting you in major ways?

The Structure and Rythm of Living - Supportive Routines

In the eloquent words of Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from MTV's Jersey Shore “Gym, Tan, Laundry.  It’s the process of staying fresh and mint. Watching my boys watch this show, that reference stood out to me as stroke of brilliance.  This kid has a super simple routine that supports his version of success.

I have spent the last few months trying on routines that will be critical to helping me achieve my personal and professional goals. I think we all know how easy it is to set goals only to be disappointed when we fall short or worse, lose sight of it all together because of crisis or one distraction or another.  I’m pretty sure I could write a best seller on that topic alone. Unfortunately that would not be the best use of my time and talents and would represent perhaps my hundredth distraction in my journey. 

At this very moment I am clear on one thing.  If I do not adhere to certain routines, things begin to fall apart very quickly. Then come the welcomed distractions that support the falling a part of things.  I have danced this dance and rode this ride more times than I care to remember.  What’s different now is that I have some perspective. And perspective is everything.  I see how my past routines and habits have served me over the last few years. The good news is, it has not been a total shit show.  I have experienced professional and personal success.  But I don’t want to hide behind good when I know a little more effort; connection and collaboration could result in something great. 

For me the game changer has been this: All my routines and any new habits I pick up have to play to my strengths AND support a personal and/or professional goal.  No exceptions.  Mind blowing, right? Okay not exactly, but stay with me for a sec. I subscribe to the 80/20 rule in terms of playing to my strengths and working on my weaknesses.  When I am firing on all cylinders, my routines are supporting my actions. I feel connected and collaborative and at the end of the day very accomplished. 

When I sacrifice routines to accommodate a new schedule, a difficult relationship or any other external factor, things almost always go sideways and I find myself second guessing every action and decision I made as a result. Then I find my mind swirling with thoughts on what I perceive to be “misses” far longer than what is healthy and productive. 

You can never go wrong with honoring what works for you and coming into a situation centered and prepared vs. anxious and unsettled. There has been a lot of discourse around this topic and rightfully so, if we can hone the routine, processes and structures that will ultimately support our success we will see immediate fruit.  And that is good news for a not so disciplined, anti-structure, go with the flow, Bo-ho chic like me.  And you too!

Do you have a routine or a habit that does not support your success?   

What is stopping you from tweaking it so it supports you or letting it go altogether?

Let summer inspire you

If you are anything like me, no doubt you set great goals six months or so ago. How is that working for you? No judgment here. We’ve all been there.  And my advice: don’t stress about (nope, don’t do it).  Instead, let this season of summer encourage you – the beautiful vibrant colors, the energy of the endless outdoor activity.  Take it all in. Be an active participant.  Bask in the glory of summer, I say. Let summer renew you, breathe new life, creativity and imagination into your dreams and goals. Allow it to fuel the action plan for your life.

And then join Accomplished Living Studio for the first in a series of Dream Studios, starting in September.  Bring your goals and dreams to life with thought-provoking exercises, other inspiring women, precious time and a supporting environment. Because you deserve the time and space to explore and bring your dreams to life.  

A $35 studio fee includes facilitation and all supplies and is limited to 10 women. More details to come on the date, location and registration (Oh, the suspense). Contact me with questions, requests or well wishes. Happy summer!

Daydreaming and I’m thinking of you

A few weeks ago I conducted a “Dream Studio” pilot, offering women a creative, nurturing and inspiring environment to explore dreams and goals. And boy did they! Dream Studio is a workshop intended to help women formalize goals, create a visual representation of their goals and work with like-minded women to spark and recognize the physical manifestation of those goals. The pilot was a success; each woman walked away with a vision board. Getting there was how the real magic happened. There were two common themes among the women that participated:

1. There is simply no time to explore dreams and goals

2. Women didn’t know where to start

Despite those challenges the one thing that pleasantly surprised them (me, not so much) was that given the right environment, support and encouragement, creativity was ever present and flowing abundantly. I was fully prepared to assist those who would have a difficult time grasping the concept, clarifying goals or starting on a vision board, but there was not one such instance. Further proof for me that sometimes all we need is permission or a gentle push (and sometimes both☺). I’m preparing to launch these workshops this fall with a few smaller groups throughout the summer. The Dream Studio will be fabulous and women will be blessed, because that is my goal!

Stay tuned for details on upcoming Dream Studios.

The thin (finish) line between love and hate

I have a serious love hate relationship with running, and a four-mile run recently was a perfect example of how deep the relationship is getting. I think this could be serious – we just might be moving to a new level.
On the side of love, I can’t think of a better activity for my overall health. I love the time I have alone with my thoughts. The clarity and abundance of solutions that dance around in my mind is exhilarating and sometimes scary. On the roughest part of this particular run I had to rely on my mantra (thanks Caralynn) to keep me going. Up down, up down. Nothing fancy, very simple. 37 grueling minutes into the run (I'm clearly not running a 10 minute mile) I had a very profound experience. The effectiveness of my mantra was dwindling. Each step felt like it was potentially my last. And at this point I was only a little more than half way home. This was not good. My head drops, the best I can do is focus on the road right in front of me. Up down, up down. It’s rhythmic, quick changing, doable. I look up maybe a quarter of a mile later – progress! This feeling, the process mirrored my life. All those strong starts with the end-goal in mind. It’s worked and inspired me. But to keep at it, to stay engaged without feeling overwhelmed – I haven’t quite mastered that yet. I think sometimes you have to focus on what’s in front of you. Manageable, bite sized pieces. And purposely enjoy, revel and recharge in that success, as it folds up nicely into the success of the finish, which will happen.
The hate part of running - it really kicks my ass. That’s a fact. Several weeks ago I spent a good portion of a run complaining about numb heels, swollen fingers, tight calves. Finally turning to a friend with “do I need to get over myself.” She replied with a friendly, but firm “Yes. You will get used to it.” I know she’s right.
I see running as a template for living well and so far I have learned and lived some valuable lessons:
• A good spiritual/mental state will compensate for an average physical state.
• There will always be someone faster and with greater endurance.
• What matters most is personal commitment to show up and finish.
• It might be tough but the rewards of a strong finish make it worth it.

What activity challenges and teaches you about yourself?

Create by observing the world around you

My aunt, a life long fine artist, looks out the window while making her morning espresso and see shapes and figures in the tree branches of the burr oak in her garden. The tree people as she calls them, inspire a new body of work.

I see fashion possibilities everywhere. A flower petal dress, a tea pot hat, tree bark trousers.

My friend Roxie sees a face formed by the bubbles in her freshly poured apple juice.

We all see things things differently. How we see effects what we see and what we see through our unique lens has the power to inspire, captivate and awaken others and ourselves. Start by taking a deep breath, let go of the chatter in your mind and as holly hobbie used to say, take time to smell the flowers.

Who does she think she is?

Do you have an ever-present voice that reminds you of just how difficult, unusual or nonsensical something is? Is it loudest when you encounter the thoughts, plans, or things that your dreams are made of? If so, you are not alone. In fact you are in good company as most intelligent, creative, innovative individuals do.
It’s our inner critic at work. Telling us about ourselves, making sure we don’t get carried away from our comfort zone. Because after all, change and risk should be approached with extreme caution – if at all – according to the inner critic.
Here’s what I have discovered recently about my inner critic. She is very negative, dis-empowering and a total scary cat. I mean, I love her to death, because I know she means well, but at times she can really be a buzz kill. An example of my inner critic hard at work as a showstopper, literally, was during a recent work assignment. I volunteered to chair an employee day event and the task the committee accepted was to develop and execute a memorable, interactive day of fun for local employees. A part of that activity included a flash mob, and the time to pull it off, dwindled to two short weeks (partly my fault, y’all know I procrastinate from time to time…I’m a work in progress). As excited as we all were about the idea, there was a part of me and I’m sure many others, that thought the timing, communication, coordination, etc was not quite right and/or enough for it to actually work. There were times that I was pretty certain that it would be an epic fail. But I stayed committed and focused, even despite the lack of commitment from others. We ended up with several dozen participants and all who were in attendance enjoyed it. Yes, there were naysayers, but I took the risk, saw it through and no one can take the accomplishment and confidence away from me. I was elated and my inner critic and in some respects my external critics were deflated.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve taken my inner critic’s lead many times in the past. At times it has really felt like the responsible, safe thing to do. But, truth be told, over time I have allowed her to rob me of my confidence. So as I get to know her better, I am learning to give her, her due. Patiently and respectfully, hearing her out and with all the strength I can muster, declining her invitation (and sometimes insistence) to do nothing or travel the road of least resistance. Another coach recently shared the following advice on differentiating between the voice of the inner critic and the good old solid analytical skills: the inner critic rarely offers solutions or productive rationale; the inner critic’s job is to keep us operating in our all too familiar comfort zone. No risk, little to no reward.

How often do you encounter/engage your inner critic?

What is that special something, that your inner critic is afraid to see you bring forth?

Tamika Bowen